Where the Body Leads
Before I begin my musings, I want to send out a heartfelt thank you to everyone who came to visit my booth last weekend at the Park Point Art Fair in Duluth. It felt so good to be back out in the world connecting with my beloved artist friends after a long chapter of hibernation and I just love you all so much. I got so many warm hugs and had so many beautiful conversations with sweet collectors and dear friends.
There was a recurring message I received throughout the weekend that has touched my heart and given me pause. The variations sounded something like this…
“You’re alive! We’ve missed you!”
”You totally disappeared and we didn’t know where you went!”
”What am I going to do without you next to me at ______ Festival this year?!”
Oh my goodness, these messages made me feel so many different things!
Primarily and instantaneously, I felt guilt. Oh, how it washed over me. This feeling of, I have abandoned the people I love and upset them. Probably not entirely true but I am still, at thirty-seven years of age, working through my deep fear of disappointing people and the delusion that I am responsible for other people’s experiences.
After the initial wave of guilt, I heard my own inner voice whisper, it’s okay to disappear — this is something I have had to practice telling myself a lot. Because yes, I did disappear! I experienced some real burnout after my last market season and this winter I made a very difficult decision not to apply for the majority of my usual art festivals and fairs. I did not take this lightly, I cried over it, a lot. I worried that I might lose my audience, that people might forget about me, that I would disappoint my collectors, that I might become irrelevant and my art wouldn’t sell anymore. And the worst, that I would miss out on beloved connections with good friends. I went to all the worst case scenarios. I bargained with myself too, envisioning another summer, full of markets and festivals, cranking out paintings and matting and framing like a madwoman between events.
Every time I imagined myself repeating my same schedule I had last year, I felt my body physically recoil. The mere thought of cramming my summer with festivals made me feel physically sick. Now THAT was a message, quite a strong one. So, instead of resisting, I let myself feel disappointed when those worst case scenario worries came up, I grieved the thought of letting market life go. Then, I decided that instead of pushing, it was time to surrender to a new way, a new vision.
After I did this, something sort of spectacular happened…
I felt free.
I started imagining myself slowing down, enjoying my garden, spending more time outside, traveling (for leisure not work), putting more energy into my homeopathic practice, painting because I loved it and felt inspired, instead of for the purpose of stocking the walls of my booth.
I realized that believing I could only find success this one way was limiting me from putting energy somewhere else, from allowing a new channel to open for me. I started letting myself believe that work does not need to equate to suffering. In fact, I started rejecting this notion altogether.
Do you know what has happened since I started doing this? New avenues for success have started showing up in my life. Old ways that drained me are starting to evaporate, and new life is making its way in. New homeopathy clients, new creative projects and collaborations. My art has even started selling off the walls at our sweet little AirBNB!
Laying to rest a formerly (mostly) profitable means of selling my art because I couldn’t “push through” anymore has felt counterintuitive to my lifelong false belief that working harder and self-sacrifice equals success — it doesn’t, I have learned that the hard way. Right now, I realize I am putting an immense amount of trust into a future that I cannot see and a lot of faith in my belief that if my body doesn’t feel good doing it, then it is not for me.
Many manners of living are ending for me right now (there are others I haven’t yet divulged here because I am not quite ready to say, but stay tuned). The empty space sometimes feels like loss, other times like massive potential. I really am so excited to explore what is next and share it with all of you along the way.
Thank you always for being here, for reading my musings and for loving up my work. I am so grateful for each and every one of you.
Reviving Instagram
Since we’re already on the topic of disappearing… During my very restful hibernation I also took a bit of a hiatus from Instagram. I didn’t feel inspired to post and needed a break from social media altogether for a while.
HOWEVER, I recently decided just to share things that make me feel excited, that come easy, and that feel fun so that is exactly what I am doing… If you’re not following me yet, you can find me at @katiebromme.watercolor or click here to see my page!